Confidence...

I have never been a very confident woman. I guess it stems from years of being overweight. I don't date much and that could be because most men detect that I'm not very confident.

Last weekend, I went to a Vogue Party. Basically, the party consists of women getting glammed up and taking pictures. I never thought I was very photogenic, so the first one I was invited to, I didn't go to. After I saw everybody's pictures from that one, I decided, what the hell, I'll do it.

During the photoshoot, I felt so...weird. I thought, "Boy, these pictures are going to be horrible." I thought I was probably looking awkward in every pose. The photographer was nice enough to say, "Are you married?" I told her no. Then she asked if I had a boyfriend. No again. She said, "Well you will after they see these pictures." After everybody took their pictures, the photographer put them together in slideshow. When mine came up on screen, I was AMAZED. I realized at that point that with a little extra attention to my appearance, I am a beautiful woman. I will now say that with the help of that photoshoot, I am starting to feel a little more confident. I am beautiful. I just have to bring it out. Here are some of my favorites:

I was wrong.

I wanted so much for all those odd coincidences w/ Tom to mean something. Unfortunately, they did not. Yesterday, my co-workers took it upon themselves to stage an intervention. One of them said, "This Tom P. thing ends today." Apparently Tom isn't into dating people that he works with. Technically, we don't work together, but our jobs are associated with each other. I previousy heard this from one of the girls at our gym. She stated that he said he doesn't date women who go to the places he goes because it could end badly and he wouldn't be able to go there anymore. In my situation he said it would probably end badly. I can see his point. A wise woman told me that you shouldn't get your honey where you make your money. I almost felt like he was worth the risk. Oh well. Eventually, I hope to figure out his exact purpose in my life. Things like that don't happen without a reason. I will settle for building a friendship with him for now or making the best of our working relationship.

Update...

So... I have managed to get down to about 174 lbs, but I still have a long way to go. Being under 200 is wonderful, but getting to at least 150 would be even better. I'm motivated to make this happen.

When I first started this blog, I spent a lot of time whining over a man who didn't even know I was alive. Looking back, I realize just how truly pathetic it was. Tomorrow is my 30th birthday. It's time for me to make some changes. I need to get Melanie in order this year. I want a family. I want kids. Doing all that wasn't going to get me there.

I am trying to be more outgoing, more assertive. I met someone last year that I am desperately trying not to put in the same category as Chris Glick. It's a strange little tale. It has me questioning everything in life...

Picture this: It was a beautiful August day. I was at work and I stepped into the hallway to take a break. As I headed to my designated break spot, I walked by this dark-haired gentleman who was getting help at one of our windows. He was with an African-American gentleman. Not sure what they were doing, but my first thought was, "My oh my...what an attractive man." I went on about my business. Later that day, I had to attend a meeting in another building. As I stepped into the elevator, I realized that I was in the elevator with the attractive dark-haired gentleman from earlier in the day. At that time, I took note of just how handsome he was and immediately realized that he was TOTALLY out of my league. So I go to my hour long meeting. After said meeting ended, I once again step into an elevator and who should I see again? The dark-haired Adonis. At this point, I am pretty much silently thanking God in my head for putting me in close quarters with this man twice. I went back to my office and shared my tale of coincidence or fate. I pretty much assumed that I probably wouldn't see Elevator Hottie anymore.

I was wrong. After work, I went to the gym a few blocks away from my office. I was a former member there and when I didn't want to deal with the 24Hour Fitness crowds, I went there. As soon as I walked in, there he was. Elevator Hottie. I wanted so badly to say something to him but I didn't want him to think I was some kind of weirdo. And he seemed kind of douchey to me then. Cocky.

You have to admit that seeing one person, that you've never met FOUR times in one day is a little strange.

It had to mean something, right?

I thought about it the whole night. What did it mean? Fate or coincidence? I got my answer the next day when he showed up at our office. It was fate. Destiny. I found out through my BFF that his name was Tom. It was about a month later that he formally introduced himself to me and I have been smitten since then. We still run into each other 3-4 days a week. He's a nice guy. Nicer than I expected him to be. I look forward to seeing him. It's not often that I can wish to see someone and it actually happen each time. So what do you all think? Destiny/fate or coincidence?

More like wishful thinking. It doesn't help that he's always so nice. HE speaks to ME. I tend to play him off. It just all seems a little too good to be true. He's a very attractive guy. I'm just a cute girl. He's just a nice guy who I just happen to fall for. I believe everything happens for a reason. He may not be my future husband, but there is some purpose to having him around.

I just wish I knew what it was.

Well...wow

I forgot all about this thing.

It's been a while.

I need a new scale and some advice as to what I'm doing wrong...

Does anybody have any suggestions? I went to the doctor last week and the nurse who weighed me said I was 175. I think she was incorrect. I swear she pushed the big thingy (lol) on the scale to 150 and the smaller one beneath it to 35. I could be wrong.

Anyway, I purchased some new jeans and dress pants last week. The jeans are a 13 and the dress pants are a 12. I tried on a few pairs of jeans that were size 12 and they weren't the most comfortable fit. So I'm guessing I wear a 12/13? I dunno. It's better than where I was. A 24! Thought it would be nice to wear a 9/10.

I'm trying to get back into my workout routine. I kind of feel like I never should have left Fitness Source. I like the flexibility of going to 24-Hour Fitness because I can go whenever I want, but I miss Fitness Source because it's smaller and I feel a little less self-conscious when I go there. I've been going to both, just paying $10 whenever I want a little peace and less people around me. Besides, there's this guy that works at 24-Hour Fitness that tends to be a little distracting and he makes me feel self-conscious when I'm in there.

Anyway, I have to go apartment shopping now. Let's hope that by Monday the stupid needle on the scale has shifted below 180. I don't want to get discouraged. That is always what happens.

As of today...

Today I officially started my lifestyle change/better eating plan. Actually, I didn't eat all that bad to begin with but my weight loss has stalled.

This is pretty much the way my meals went for the day:

Breakfast - 2/3 c of scrambled Eggbeaters w/ about a cup of chopped red/yellow/green bell pepper, 1/4 c shredded fat free cheddar cheese and 1 c blueberries

Snack - Yogurt

Lunch - salad w/ red/yellow/green bell pepper, 1/2 avocado diced up, cheese crumbles, mushrooms, grilled chicken, ranch dressing, applesauce

Snack - Yogurt and a Granola Thin

Dinner - Soyburger and green beans.

I managed to get a workout in before dinner. I had to eat late because I did a late workout. I usually hate eating after 8 but I had to tonight.

I probably had too much salad dressing on my salad so I'll do better on that tomorrow.

I also decided that I want to be 150 by Christmas. So that's one goal. The ultimate goal is to be 140 by January 25.

I also have made plans to move out in October. I've found a place that is conveniently located just close enough to my mom's house so that I can still be available for Marissa if she needs me. Things are about to change a lot with Brittany going off to college.

I usually hate change but in this case, I think it's time.

I've been inspired!

For the longest time, I used this blog to drone on about some guy.

Enough of that. I need to focus on me! I recently stumbled upon two blogs that have inspired me to take my blog in a new direction. They are Ex Hot Girl and *Bitch Cakes*. So although you ladies don't know me, you have really inspired me.

All of my life I've struggled with my weight. At my heaviest, I weighed about 270 lbs. That was when I was in high school. Needless to say, I didn't date much. My high school was the "uppity" high school. Everybody was pretty and popular, but we were all okay with each other. I had friends. I went to social activities.

It was after I graduated that I realized that my weight was a problem. At that point, I had already had asthma, so that was one weight related disease. I had to do something about it. At the beginning of 2001, I started going to Slim 4 Life and got down to about 204. The one thing they don't tell you when you sign up there is that if you go off the program you'll gain it all back. By the end of 2003, I was back up to 265. I was really disappointed in myself. I believe I started to stress eat. My cousin died in 2003 and that took a major toll on me. Eating my feelings is what they call it. Sometime in 2004, I decided that enough was enough (AGAIN!) and used all the healthy habits that I learned at Slim 4 Life to lose weight again. I believe I got down to about 235 and stuck around there for a while. In 2008, I decided to join a gym. I was determined to get out of the 200s. When I joined the gym, I weighed in at 213 lbs. I found the perfect gym. It was a smaller gym owned by our city that is connected to my parking garage at work. Perfect right? I had to walk past the gym to go home, so why not stop there and exercise for a while? I did that eventually got down to 200. The needle just wouldn't budge, so I had to figure out what I was doing wrong.

I cut out red meat. Stopped drinking DIET SODA altogether. I canceled my membership at my old gym and joined 24 Hour Fitness where I can workout more often.

I now weigh 180 lbs. My goal has been to be about 150 and whatever happens from there happens, as long as the number is getting lower. 140 would be a dream.

Now I need help. My goal is to lose 40 lbs by my 30th birthday which is January 25. I think I can do it before then.

I already know what I need to do, I just need to push through this stupid plateau. Any suggestions to get my weight loss started again?