I've been inspired!

For the longest time, I used this blog to drone on about some guy.

Enough of that. I need to focus on me! I recently stumbled upon two blogs that have inspired me to take my blog in a new direction. They are Ex Hot Girl and *Bitch Cakes*. So although you ladies don't know me, you have really inspired me.

All of my life I've struggled with my weight. At my heaviest, I weighed about 270 lbs. That was when I was in high school. Needless to say, I didn't date much. My high school was the "uppity" high school. Everybody was pretty and popular, but we were all okay with each other. I had friends. I went to social activities.

It was after I graduated that I realized that my weight was a problem. At that point, I had already had asthma, so that was one weight related disease. I had to do something about it. At the beginning of 2001, I started going to Slim 4 Life and got down to about 204. The one thing they don't tell you when you sign up there is that if you go off the program you'll gain it all back. By the end of 2003, I was back up to 265. I was really disappointed in myself. I believe I started to stress eat. My cousin died in 2003 and that took a major toll on me. Eating my feelings is what they call it. Sometime in 2004, I decided that enough was enough (AGAIN!) and used all the healthy habits that I learned at Slim 4 Life to lose weight again. I believe I got down to about 235 and stuck around there for a while. In 2008, I decided to join a gym. I was determined to get out of the 200s. When I joined the gym, I weighed in at 213 lbs. I found the perfect gym. It was a smaller gym owned by our city that is connected to my parking garage at work. Perfect right? I had to walk past the gym to go home, so why not stop there and exercise for a while? I did that eventually got down to 200. The needle just wouldn't budge, so I had to figure out what I was doing wrong.

I cut out red meat. Stopped drinking DIET SODA altogether. I canceled my membership at my old gym and joined 24 Hour Fitness where I can workout more often.

I now weigh 180 lbs. My goal has been to be about 150 and whatever happens from there happens, as long as the number is getting lower. 140 would be a dream.

Now I need help. My goal is to lose 40 lbs by my 30th birthday which is January 25. I think I can do it before then.

I already know what I need to do, I just need to push through this stupid plateau. Any suggestions to get my weight loss started again?

Life is just passing me by...

Last week my aunt passed away from what started out as uterine cancer. She was 62. Over the years, I haven't been very close to my father's family. As an adult, I do take some blame, but I also blame my dad. There is no reason for my younger sisters to not really know our paternal side. As a father, he should have picked them up and took them over there. That's not my job. I have a lot of childhood memories of my Auntie Willie, but not that many adulthood memories.

Out of this tragedy, I have come to realize that life is too short. I always knew that, but I am now realizing just how short it is. I want to be married. I want kids.

I spent all these years wanting to date Chris Glick when it's possible that I let the right man slip away. It was obsessive and I am quite ashamed of myself over it. I didn't know this man. I built up this fantasy in my head that made me believe he was the one for me. If he had been, we would be together now. I believe in my heart that God has the right man for me. I will wait patiently for him to come into my life. Kids will come when they come. I just need to start living in the moment and stop complaining about what I don't have.

I still like Chris and the process to get over him hasn't been easy. We barely look at each other now which is pretty hard for me, but I know letting go of this infatuation is for the best.