I have problems...

I'm in love.

I am hopelessly in love with a man who doesn't know I'm alive.

I know people say you can't love someone you don't know, but there has to be exceptions, right?

Unfortunately, it has happened to me.

I want my heart back.

2010

Last year around this time, I set New Year’s goals. I was determined to achieve these goals. They were the as follows:

-To learn to love myself more and stop putting ME down so much.
-Return those books that I checked out from the library back in September.
-Attempt to save some cash...possibly open up a savings account.
-Be friendlier. No more moody Melanie Mondays!
-Stop procrastinating so much.
-Move out.
-Increase my workouts from 2-3 days a week to 4-5 days a week, each workout must be an hour to an hour and a half. I need to lose about 30 lbs. Continue healthy eating habits.
-Spend more time with my sister Alexis, my stepmother, my stepsister, my dad, and my brother Isaiah.
-Chris Glick! When he smiles, I lose my freakin' mind! It is so beautiful and just...so...Chris Glick. It is horrible to make a person a goal, but who cares?

Unfortunately, I only achieved the following:

-Returned the books.

-Spent more time with my stepmother, dad, and Isaiah. Amara and Alexis were not around that much.

-I increased my workouts and lost about 16 lbs.

I do not want to go into next year still lusting after Christopher Glick. Either he will go out with me, or he will not. If he does not, it will be something I have to learn to accept. Instead of going after the man I really wanted, I settled for Noah and he made me unhappy. I tried to force it even though I knew he wasn’t right for me.

I was unable to move out with my sister because she lost her job in February.

Therefore, this year, when I set goals, I will try to be more realistic.

Goals for 2010:

-The story of Melanie and Chris Glick will begin by me saying hi to him BEFORE the New Year. You have to start somewhere. I will try to forge a friendship with him. If it does not work out or get to where I hope it can be, I will move on. It is better to have tried and failed than to not try at all, right? You should always give yourself the best chance of success. At least that is what LL Cool J said yesterday in a tweet.

-After Brittany graduates from high school, I will be in my own place.

-Purchase a new car. It does not have to be brand new. It can be a used car.

-Maintain healthy eating habits and lose an additional 15 lbs.

-Finish college. Criminal Justice seems to be my calling. I will be 30 in 2011.

I cannot believe how quickly my 20s went by. Crazy.

I want to fall in love and get married within the next 3-4 years. I'll start working on that today.

I hate when I get like this...

Whenever I get down about love and other crap, I listen to all the songs that intentionally make my heart ache. For some strange reason, I think that if I listen to songs that make me sad, I'll cry and the pain of whatever I'm going through will disappear through my tears. Most of these songs were made in the 90s, you know, back when music was good. I was a carefree teenager who could give a rat's ass about any guy but Tollie Campbell (love of my life in 8th grade), Corey Fort (boy I thought I would be married to today even though I was a freshman and he was a senior), Jack Holly (the jock that I'd known forever who was all of a sudden hot to me), and Maurice Bass (the dude I didn't notice in middle school who was so hot by the time we were seniors).

This is my playlist for the night:

Wait For You - Elliot Yamin
Missing You - Mary J. Blige (from the "Share My World" album. The best album she ever made.)
You Put a Move On My Heart - Tamia
I Love Me Some Him - Toni Braxton
How Could An Angel Break My Heart -Toni Braxton
All I Want For Christmas Is You - Mariah Carey
You're Always On My Mind - SWV
I'm So Into You - SWV
Weak - SWV
Never Had A Dream Come True - S Club 7
Brokenhearted -Brandy
It's All Coming Back To Me Now - Celine Dion (don't ask)
I Want You To Need Me - Celine Dion (Seriously, don't ask...)
When I See You - Fantasia (this one pretty much describes the whole Chris Glick situation)

Noticing a theme? I swear I didn't pick these songs intentionally. This list came from my Yahoo! Radio. All the songs fit my current mood. How strange is that?

I know I said I was going to move on, but that's easier said than done. This is all so screwed up. I see him and I want to force myself to say something to him, but I just get freaked out.

I have a fear of the unknown. I fear putting my heart on the line. I know it seems like I'm going into it assuming it's not going to work out. That's not it at all. I just feel the need to protect myself from heartbreak. But in doing that, I could be depriving myself of a damn awesome relationship and/or friendship, right?

Honestly, I just want it to be over.

2010 is going to be a better year. I'm going to celebrate the last year of my 20s learning to love myself and not concentrating so much on finding love. When the time is right, God will lead the right man to me. I am not going to force it.

All that I'm after is a life full of laughter as long as I'm laughin' with you...

I realized just how much I want to get over this stupid, unhealthy crush I have on Chris Glick.

I would rather assume that he is gay than know that he's just not interested. If I imagine him to be gay, it makes it much easier to get over him. Hey, I might even be right, but I don't want him to be gay.

I haven't felt like this about any man since...Kyle. That was a long time ago. A really pitiful time. He had a wife. That situation is an example of wanting something I could not have.

I'm obviously never going to do anything about it. I just can't seem to get past it. I honestly thought that if I found a distraction, it would help me get over him. I thought Noah would be that distraction. He just made me want him more.

I want to know him...

I want to talk to him...

I just want him...

When I'm having a crappy day, I want him to be the one to tell me it's going to be okay.

When I'm laughing, I want it to be because he's making me laugh.

I wish I knew why.

Oh well.

Time to go force myself to go to sleep.

First, I'm going to watch an episode of Criminal Minds. I love that show! I swear I watched over 12 episodes last weekend.

Goodnight!

I think he's gay...

Which would make all of my lusting and longing a waste!

Please Chris... Don't be gay. If you are, I'm sure you would make a great friend and I don't mind your lifestyle...

I don't know why I think he's gay. I just do.