I have problems...

I'm in love.

I am hopelessly in love with a man who doesn't know I'm alive.

I know people say you can't love someone you don't know, but there has to be exceptions, right?

Unfortunately, it has happened to me.

I want my heart back.

2010

Last year around this time, I set New Year’s goals. I was determined to achieve these goals. They were the as follows:

-To learn to love myself more and stop putting ME down so much.
-Return those books that I checked out from the library back in September.
-Attempt to save some cash...possibly open up a savings account.
-Be friendlier. No more moody Melanie Mondays!
-Stop procrastinating so much.
-Move out.
-Increase my workouts from 2-3 days a week to 4-5 days a week, each workout must be an hour to an hour and a half. I need to lose about 30 lbs. Continue healthy eating habits.
-Spend more time with my sister Alexis, my stepmother, my stepsister, my dad, and my brother Isaiah.
-Chris Glick! When he smiles, I lose my freakin' mind! It is so beautiful and just...so...Chris Glick. It is horrible to make a person a goal, but who cares?

Unfortunately, I only achieved the following:

-Returned the books.

-Spent more time with my stepmother, dad, and Isaiah. Amara and Alexis were not around that much.

-I increased my workouts and lost about 16 lbs.

I do not want to go into next year still lusting after Christopher Glick. Either he will go out with me, or he will not. If he does not, it will be something I have to learn to accept. Instead of going after the man I really wanted, I settled for Noah and he made me unhappy. I tried to force it even though I knew he wasn’t right for me.

I was unable to move out with my sister because she lost her job in February.

Therefore, this year, when I set goals, I will try to be more realistic.

Goals for 2010:

-The story of Melanie and Chris Glick will begin by me saying hi to him BEFORE the New Year. You have to start somewhere. I will try to forge a friendship with him. If it does not work out or get to where I hope it can be, I will move on. It is better to have tried and failed than to not try at all, right? You should always give yourself the best chance of success. At least that is what LL Cool J said yesterday in a tweet.

-After Brittany graduates from high school, I will be in my own place.

-Purchase a new car. It does not have to be brand new. It can be a used car.

-Maintain healthy eating habits and lose an additional 15 lbs.

-Finish college. Criminal Justice seems to be my calling. I will be 30 in 2011.

I cannot believe how quickly my 20s went by. Crazy.

I want to fall in love and get married within the next 3-4 years. I'll start working on that today.

I hate when I get like this...

Whenever I get down about love and other crap, I listen to all the songs that intentionally make my heart ache. For some strange reason, I think that if I listen to songs that make me sad, I'll cry and the pain of whatever I'm going through will disappear through my tears. Most of these songs were made in the 90s, you know, back when music was good. I was a carefree teenager who could give a rat's ass about any guy but Tollie Campbell (love of my life in 8th grade), Corey Fort (boy I thought I would be married to today even though I was a freshman and he was a senior), Jack Holly (the jock that I'd known forever who was all of a sudden hot to me), and Maurice Bass (the dude I didn't notice in middle school who was so hot by the time we were seniors).

This is my playlist for the night:

Wait For You - Elliot Yamin
Missing You - Mary J. Blige (from the "Share My World" album. The best album she ever made.)
You Put a Move On My Heart - Tamia
I Love Me Some Him - Toni Braxton
How Could An Angel Break My Heart -Toni Braxton
All I Want For Christmas Is You - Mariah Carey
You're Always On My Mind - SWV
I'm So Into You - SWV
Weak - SWV
Never Had A Dream Come True - S Club 7
Brokenhearted -Brandy
It's All Coming Back To Me Now - Celine Dion (don't ask)
I Want You To Need Me - Celine Dion (Seriously, don't ask...)
When I See You - Fantasia (this one pretty much describes the whole Chris Glick situation)

Noticing a theme? I swear I didn't pick these songs intentionally. This list came from my Yahoo! Radio. All the songs fit my current mood. How strange is that?

I know I said I was going to move on, but that's easier said than done. This is all so screwed up. I see him and I want to force myself to say something to him, but I just get freaked out.

I have a fear of the unknown. I fear putting my heart on the line. I know it seems like I'm going into it assuming it's not going to work out. That's not it at all. I just feel the need to protect myself from heartbreak. But in doing that, I could be depriving myself of a damn awesome relationship and/or friendship, right?

Honestly, I just want it to be over.

2010 is going to be a better year. I'm going to celebrate the last year of my 20s learning to love myself and not concentrating so much on finding love. When the time is right, God will lead the right man to me. I am not going to force it.

All that I'm after is a life full of laughter as long as I'm laughin' with you...

I realized just how much I want to get over this stupid, unhealthy crush I have on Chris Glick.

I would rather assume that he is gay than know that he's just not interested. If I imagine him to be gay, it makes it much easier to get over him. Hey, I might even be right, but I don't want him to be gay.

I haven't felt like this about any man since...Kyle. That was a long time ago. A really pitiful time. He had a wife. That situation is an example of wanting something I could not have.

I'm obviously never going to do anything about it. I just can't seem to get past it. I honestly thought that if I found a distraction, it would help me get over him. I thought Noah would be that distraction. He just made me want him more.

I want to know him...

I want to talk to him...

I just want him...

When I'm having a crappy day, I want him to be the one to tell me it's going to be okay.

When I'm laughing, I want it to be because he's making me laugh.

I wish I knew why.

Oh well.

Time to go force myself to go to sleep.

First, I'm going to watch an episode of Criminal Minds. I love that show! I swear I watched over 12 episodes last weekend.

Goodnight!

I think he's gay...

Which would make all of my lusting and longing a waste!

Please Chris... Don't be gay. If you are, I'm sure you would make a great friend and I don't mind your lifestyle...

I don't know why I think he's gay. I just do.

Go Saints!

The Saints are beating the shit out of the Patriots. Guess we can say that the Saints are now 11-0!

Go Drew Brees! Go Reggie Bush (even though you didn't play tonight)! Go rest of the team!

Aww, Tom Brady... it's okay. This is not your year. Maybe next year, okay? Besides, you have a baby coming soon. Be excited about that.

Would a Vikings/Colts Super Bowl be as boring as it sounds?

Oh well, anywho...

So my Chris Glick Craigslist ad situation got worse. I received an anonymous email from a "Joe Bob" at agonyinherbody@yahoo.com that said the following:

"I was one of the people who brought it to his attention. And I feel goddamned good about it."

Yea, um, hello CRAZY. WTF? SERIOUSLY? Well thanks, I'm sure he appreciates you acting as his internet bodyguard. FREAK... My goodness. Whoever sent the email obviously thought they were protecting him from something. But whatever. This is just creepy.

If I knew he already had psychos in love with him, I would have moved on sooner. This is ridiculous. Honestly, I wonder just how many of the girls he works with think that they are going to marry him when they graduate from HIGH SCHOOL. I know for a fact a girl that goes to school with my sister has a thing for him. The same girl who started all this madness. I think she sent the e-mail, but I have no proof. I can't assume that she did it, but I always knew he didn't find it himself. Something tells me she sent it.

Oh well, I'm kind of over it. Sadly, all of this only makes me want him more. I thrive on drama and I haven't been this entertained since I had my thing with Noah. I might have to actually start flirting with Chris.

In front of this girl. Just to see how she reacts. Sadly, I'm not callous enough to do that. If she sends me another e-mail with that bitchiness, I might have to.

My Thanksgiving

My Thanksgiving was so disappointing. I learned that the dysfunction in my family comes from my grandma. My grandma arrived at our house around 11 yesterday morning. I previously blogged about my grandmother saying she was not going to come to Thanksgiving dinner if my grandpa and his wife came. When my grandpa got here, my grandma left. She told my sister that "she told us" and that she was leaving.

It just didn't feel like Thanksgiving. It was pretty sad.

Smug

Why is that when I see Chris now, I see him as a smug jerk? He didn't do anything wrong. Maybe not smug... I guess it's my way of moving on. Whatever works, right?

I just feel flushed and embarrassed. I don't want to walk by him or see him when I go in there. I went to the store a few hours ago and I parked on the east side . I could have walked down to that side to check out, but he was standing there with a few other managers and I just couldn't bear to walk past him or them.

I have this eery feeling that there is more to this whole Chris finding the ad thing. Something just isn't right... I can't figure out what it is.

I have the tendency to analyze everything to death.

I posted another one on there, but I don't feel ashamed about this one. At all. If he sees it, he sees it. I used it as a venting tool this time around. This time I hope he sees it.

I was hoping we had everything we needed for tomorrow, but I just found out that nobody was assigned to bring any dinner rolls so I have to go to the store early in the morning to get some. I refused to go tonight because I've already been there twice today.

I think I'm going to go to sleep early tonight. It's been a long day.

Yep, I'm officially done with my family...

My mother suggested that we host Thanksgiving.

So why isn't she helping out with anything? She hasn't cleaned up a thing. I'm ready to give up. She also managed to forget to do something that is very vital to us hosting Thanksgiving.

The sooner I can get out of here, the better. She's all happiness and rainbows because she's been dating this new guy that I don't particularly care for. Really, at 47 should you be losing your mind over a man? That's pitiful...

No more Hy-Vee Chinese food for me. I had Beijing chicken and steamed rice and my stomach was cramping all night.

So much for enjoying my vacation! It's been crap thus far.

It's been awhile since I saw that guy. Killing me on the inside, but I know that it's better for me to not see him. I'm saving myself from inevitable heartbreak. One day, I'll be able to go to the grocery store and not even pay him any attention. Let's just hope it happens soon.

Anyway, I guess I'm going to go finish cleaning up.

I want to go somewhere else for Thanksgiving...

My family is driving me crazy, from my grandmother to my mother.

My grandma and grandpa have been divorced since the 70s. We have always had a large family gathering and both grandparents attend.

My grandpa got remarried a few years ago and my grandma has decided that if my grandpa and his wife come over for Thanksgiving, she isn't.

Really? You've been divorced for like, 30 years. It is nobody's fault that you never got remarried.

Anyway, so if anybody has an extra seat at their table, I'd love to join you. It would save my sanity. Thanks!

Song(s) of the Day

I Run To You - Lady Antebellum
Here Comes Goodbye - Rascal Flatts

I couldn't choose between them today. I never thought I would love country music as much as I do now. I guess it's because most country music made today crosses over into adult contemporary and Top 40.

I swear nearly every ballad that Rascal Flatts sings makes my heart hurt. They're all so sad and touching. I can't believe Chris Sligh, season 6 American Idol alum, wrote it. I always want to see them when they're here. They come every year.

A lot to do today. I'm cleaning the carpets and I have to go to the grocery store to get our lemon pie ingredients. Every Thanksgiving, my grandmother designates my sister Brena to make lemon pies. Since I'm on a health kick, we used lite, nonfat whipped cream the last time we made them. Bad idea. They were terrible. So we're going back to the good fattening version.

I am going to try not to gain any dreaded holiday weight. It's a bitch to get off.

Anyway, have a splendid day to anybody who reads this.

Song of the Day

I'm loving Michael Bublé's song, "Haven't Met You Yet".

Oddly enough, the video takes place inside a grocery store.

I always liked the song. I watched the video for the first time this morning.

It's the song I most associate with my situation.

I am now over the whole Craigslist ad thing, but I am struggling a little with getting over the person. Oh well...

My cousin advised that I stop blogging about someone I don't know. I don't see it that way. I see it as channeling my frustrations about something I'm struggling with into a blog.

Forgive me... She says it's stalkerish. I think she needs to look up the definition of stalker.

Ugh. Idiot.

Ready to go!

Today is going by so quickly! I only have three hours left!

I am going to try my best to enjoy the next six days. I’m really excited about it for some strange reason. If only I had a nice gentleman to spend some of those days with. The only male voice I will probably hear is John Mayer’s. I certainly won’t complain about that.

If you haven’t gone out and purchased Battle Studies, you really need to do it. I think Heartbreak Warfare is his next single. I won’t complain about that either.

Noah was so nice to me this past weekend. I really don’t deserve it. I guess he knows I’ve been a little down. Sometimes I think that I unconsciously pushed him away because he wasn’t the guy I really wanted. Everything he did to me was done because of how I treated him. That in no way means that I want to now, but looking back, I was a bit of a tease. He would ask me to come over and I would give him every excuse in the book to not do it. He’d get mad. The one time I did go over, it was nice.

Honestly, I think he wasn’t ready to cross that racial barrier. I was still a Black girl and he made a lot of assumptions as to what kind of Black girl I was. He had the nerve to ask me about smoking blunts one time. I was deeply offended. I never hung out with people who did any crap like that. I guess being from a small town, he was very naïve.

I guess he didn’t know suburban Black girls with class existed. He assumed I had children. I don’t. I wasn’t going around screwing every guy I knew. It shocked him.

Anyway, I better get back to work. I want to clear at least half of my desk before I leave today.

American Music Awards and stuff

What a damn trainwreck! It featured some of the worst performances ever. The only performances I paid attention to were from Kelly Clarkson, Keith Urban, Carrie Underwood, and Eminem/50 Cent.

Oh, Eminem... I think you're damn hot. Damn, damn hot. Something sexy about his rapping and the way he does it.

I think something is seriously wrong with Lady Gaga. Her performances and videos seem really crazy, but if you get past all of that and actually listen to some of the lyrics in her songs, you'll hear that someone really fucked her head up.

Here's a few lines from 'Bad Romance' which is one of my favorite songs right now:

You know that I want you
And you know that I need you
I want it bad, your bad romance

I want your love and
I want your revenge
You and me could write a bad romance
I want your love and
All your lovers' revenge
You and me could write a bad romance

I don't know about anybody else, but I'm not looking for a bad romance. I'd prefer a good romance, thanks...

When everybody was going crazy over Adam Lambert during American Idol, I was going crazy over the sweet, charming Southern boy from Arkansas. Kris Allen was so underrated. I thought Adam was over the top. He didn't sing. He screeched. I hated him as a singer. After watching him perform tonight, I stand by what I've thought all along. That performance was WAY over the top and too raunchy for ABC. I was so disappointed and shocked. When I first heard 'For Your Entertainment', I always pictured Adam in an S&M outfit, smacking someone (guy or girl) with a whip. It has the perfect whipping beat. I always told the people who sang his praises that once American Idol was over, he wasn't going to be the Adam you knew from Idol.

I only have to work one day this week. I'm ecstatic. Really. Then I have the rest of the week off.

I might go see The Blind Side or Precious on Tuesday.

Honestly, I'd like to see New Moon again. I completely feel Bella's pain, especially when she would scream out during the night. Sometimes you want something or somebody so bad that you feel it in your gut. It's like a stomach-twisting, nauseous feeling that makes you scream out in pain and you just want to cry. You do cry. You can't breathe. You feel like your world is pretty much crumbling beneath you. I've been feeling like that a lot lately. My problem is wanting something I've never had and it has more to do with the fact that I don't know how to go about getting it. It kills me inside.

Bella already had him and he left her.

So Noah is my Jacob Black and I wish Chris Glick was my Edward Cullen (minus the obviously abusive relationship). Bella threw herself at Edward and used Jacob. I don't want to admit that I use Noah. He uses me too.

Gah, I hope no one ever sees this.

Off to bed now.

Cosmo's advice

Cosmo suggests that if you have to blab your secret or feelings to someone, don't tell anyone unless you trust them. It says, " Zip your damn lips, and try writing an anonymous blog (just be sure to turn off the comments option)."

It also says that it is a way to tell the whole world without suffering any of the negative effects of outing your secret.

Haha, yea right Cosmo!

What a load of bullshit!

Gravity is working against me....

I went to see Twilight Saga Presents: New Moon today. So much better than Twilight. I'm riding the Team Jacob train now. Taylor Lautner was awesome. I really enjoyed it. We ended up seeing it for free because the Independence AMC sold too many tickets. Idiots. A really cute guy named Tanner explained that they were sorry for the screw up and he gave us a refund and set us up to see a later show.

I love when negatives turn into positives.

I wish a certain negative situation would take a positive turn. If he is not aware of who I am, I wonder if he's figured it out considering he sees me in the store about 2-3 times a week. I have not been in there that much because of the "situation". We're always in there on Saturdays. Didn't go today. It's probable that he saw me Thursday, but I'm not sure. I wish he would just see it as flattering. He's a guy. It had to stroke his ego just a little bit.

I'm a sweet girl, who is kindhearted, caring, and all those other adjectives that mean nice things. That's why Noah can't seem to let me go completely. Come on, Chris G...

To quote my favorite movie, "I could be fun, if you want. I could be pensive, uh..smart, superstitious, brave? And I can be light on my feet. I could be whatever you want. You just tell me what you want, and I'm gonna be that for you."

Well, probably not the brave part. He broke my little heart and doesn't even know it. Unrequited infatuation is a bitch.

I just got home. I'm tired and sore. I was helping my cousin paint her house. SO much FUN!

Now I'm about to go to sleep. Goodnight to all!

Song of the Day

Assassin by John Mayer

It is a new favorite.

I don't think there is a song on the CD I don't like.

Yay, it's Friday!

I am back at work today. I’d rather be at home. It’s Friday!

I only have to work two days next week, so I’m going to suck it up and kill these eight hours. I’m trying to resist the urge to take off on Tuesday. I haven’t had a good vacation in a long time. I’ll let it build up more so that I can take a vacation around my birthday. 29. How the hell did that happen? When did I get old? Yes, I consider 29 to be old. It’s not 19, is it?

As much as I’d hate to bring up the whole Chris Glick Craigslist post crap again, I am confused about a few things. Where did this whole “four years older than him” thing come from? I don’t recall saying that in the Craigslist post, unless someone found my blog and read it here. That means YOU went looking for more information. It’s understandable. That’s what curiosity does to you. You try to resist, but it’s futile.

Anyway, I know my age was there, but… ah crap, never mind. Just hope you and/or they didn’t find the MySpace blog. I’m really embarrassed by those.

I’m on my first listen of Battle Studies today. By the end of the day, I should have the entire album memorized.

All right, better get to work. Have a great day all!

Can't believe he had the audacity...

People amaze me.

Noah had the nerve to (indirectly) ask me to hook him up with some girl he believes works at the main courthouse because he thinks she was flirting with him. WTF? What a freakin' idiot. She was probably just being nice. I thought I read into things too much. Being the bitch that I am towards him, I said, "She was probably a law clerk. I'd let that go. They only date other lawyers." I probably and hopefully knocked him off the pedestal he was on. I just can't see myself trying to get someone who tried to kiss me LAST WEEK a date with another girl. I see that it's wrong. Why doesn't he? Then again, he was gung-ho to be my FWB while he had a girlfriend. I'm sure there are people all over the world who are into that and don't care, but that just isn't my thing. Besides, she was just so trashy looking, I didn't want him touching me knowing he did the dirty with her. Ick.

As I said yesterday, my luck with men this year has been bad, but this week has been atrocious.

Melanie - 0
Men - 2

Am I wrong? I'm so messed up. It's like he got the new job and now that he's going to be making a little more money, he wants to go out and find a completely new girl. What a user. One day, I'll have a reason to not deal with him at all. As I've said before, I don't want him, but it is nice to have him around when he isn't being completely dense.

Twilight Saga Presents: New Moon opens in 2 hours and 20 minutes. I'm a Twi-Light, not a Twi-Hard, so there will be no midnight showings for me. I'll be ok waiting until Saturday morning.

Heartbreak Warfare is my song of the night.

Damn John Mayer.

Time to go to bed. Stomach is still acting all screwy, but hopefully I'll be feeling better in the morning.

I'm not a punk!

He's just a man. I was not going to let some really attractive guy stop me from going to the damn grocery store. People do crazy crap all the time. Get over it, ok?

I had to go in there for applesauce and Gatorade. That's all I can eat without my stomach feeling like someone is twisting my intestines and pulling them at the same time. Hy-Vee is less than 10 minutes from my house. I have to drive past it to get to Price Chopper, so why waste my gas to drive all the way to Price Chopper? He isn't filling up my gas tank. In order to go in the store while HE was in there, I had to have a distraction. I called my cousin and then acted like a standoffish bitch. I do it so well at times. Unfortunately, I still find him incredibly attractive, but it will take some time to get over him.

Why couldn't he just be flattered? Why did he look the way he looked today? I like when he's wearing his glasses and his sleeves are rolled up for some odd reason. Just wrong!

I'm going to go catch up on NBC's Thursday night shows.

I hope I feel better tomorrow. This bed to bathroom thing is driving me crazy.

John Mayer's Battle Studies

I've listened to this album three times so far, not once skipping over a song. I love it.

If you're into brilliant musicians, pick up this album. Breakups make for damn good music. Thank you, Jennifer Aniston for breaking his heart.

My favorites:

Heartbreak Warfare - I heard this one on the radio yesterday and loved it. He sings, "How come the only way to know how high you get me is to see how far I fall? God only knows how much I'd love you if you let me, but I can't break through it all."

Half of My Heart - This one is my absolute favorite. Taylor Swift sings a bit on this one. This one will probably be a future ringtone.

I still need to listen to Kris Allen's CD. I just need to listen to Battle Studies all the way through... two more times. Maybe three.

Crap...

Just when I thought it couldn't get any worse for me, I end up getting sick. I guess it's some kind of stomach virus. Every time I eat something, it feels like it's going right through me. TMI, right? I don't think I'll be going to work tomorrow. I have no energy.

My co-workers, who are aware of what happened this week, think that maybe I'm worried and making myself sick.

I think I'm just sick.

Although...this morning I had a panic attack when I realized I didn't have anymore yogurt. I didn't want to go to Walmart 'cause it's like a mile walk to the back of the damn store for yogurt. Hy-Vee is more convenient. Didn't want to see him. God, I really never want to go in there again.

I'm so ashamed.

I need a nap.

Noah got a new job and I don't think I'm going to see much of him anymore. His judgmental, dorky, tall, and not so smart lame ass made 2009 quite an interesting year for me. My luck with men in 2009 has been hilarious. The only men that matter at this point are my dad and Isaiah. Isaiah is growing up so fast I can't believe he'll be two. I love my little brother. He's always happy, has the most adorable smile and laugh, the cutest dimples, and when you spend time with him, all the other superficial crap in your life just goes away.

Naptime.

Embarrassment

This has been the week I’ve been waiting for since May.

Unfortunately, it has been ruined by a guy who I was interested in and his co-workers. I can’t even go into the damn grocery store without having a panic attack. If I need something, I just send someone else in and wait in the car.

I screwed up. I really did. I have never regretted anything as much I regret posting that stupid “missed connection” on Craigslist. How can it be considered a “missed connection” if I was the only one who felt connected? He had no idea. That’s my fault. I can’t just go up to a guy who I’m attracted to and strike up a conversation. I can’t say anything.

I am so embarrassed. And hurt. I have put myself in his place and it is creepy, but that was not my intention at all. Everybody is saying, “Well, you wanted him to see it. If you didn’t want him to see it, you would not have posted it.” That’s only slightly true. When you post those stupid “missed connections”, you really don’t think the person you’re talking about is going to see it.

I didn't mean for my posting to be creepy. I am not creepy (and I don't think the posting was creepy). Just honest. I'm just really shy and didn't think he would ever even see the stupid ad. I only read them for shits and giggles. Who knew other people read them? What made him look in missed connections anyway? He was obviously hoping to find something. Most people secretly hope they do. Never have I regretted anything as much as I regret posting that missed connection. Since Chris found the stupid ad on Craigslist, I was going to post another one to apologize for the whole situation. Anyway, I'm sorry that I freaked him out. It wasn't my intention. I was just venting in a public forum which was a ridiculous idea. By now, I'm sure he is aware of who I am. That sucks even more.

Anyway, John Mayer did a live concert last night in NYC and it was incredible. His new album came out yesterday. Pick it up. He is amazing. Can’t wait to see him live in March!

Finally, my first real FML post...

The internet is a horrible, horrible place.

I’d like to think that I’m an intelligent woman.

So why did I do something so stupid?

Why didn’t I remember that as long as people have your name and can attach it to their name, they can find out anything you’ve said about them?

Why?

Stupid Idea #1- I am an extremely shy WOMAN who gave a teenager a card to give some random dude I didn’t know. I didn’t know if said dude even got the stupid card.

Stupid Idea #2 - I took to the internet venting about how much I was interested in this guy who looked right through me. Never did I think that he would find some or all of it and share it with the people at his job and that it would get spread around to TEENAGERS at the local high school. What the hell?

I’m so glad that what I consider to be a sensitive subject is being talked about (negatively) with a bunch of people I don’t know.

I am SO stupid. I said I didn’t want him to be like Noah. Now I know he’s worse than Noah. Noah would NEVER do anything like that. Noah, who calls me whenever he’s excited about something and wants to share it with me, who smiles when he’s a block away from me because he’s just excited to see me. I treated Noah like crap because he wasn’t who I wanted. Honestly, I still don’t want him, but now I don’t too much care for the other one either.

I’m sure it’s embarrassing for him, thinking that some random chick is stalking him, but I’m doing the complete opposite.

Anyway, I won’t be going to that store until I’ve found my backbone which will probably be in late 2010.

This was bound to blow up sooner or later. I let it go on too long. Hopefully, it will all die down soon. I don’t want to hear anything about what I did through other people. It makes me realize how truly pathetic it all was.

And I learned a valuable lesson. Never judge a book by its cover, no matter how eye-catching it is.

I just don't understand people...

How can one think that STEALING money from someone is a better idea than asking to borrow it?

Seriously? How stupid can you be?

My friend Melissa took it upon herself to steal $40 from one of our coworkers. She claims that she needed money for gas to get home on Friday and was only trying to take $5, but all the $20s started falling out and OMG, she had to grab two of them!

She's full of shit. I know the real reason she took it. She was going out the following weekend with people who have available funds. If she really was so down on her luck, she would have canceled her weekend plans, right?

I'm really disappointed in her and it has tarnished my image of her. I also saw her at the girl's desk prior to the coworker realizing her money was gone. She's a horrible actress by the way. She came over to the coworker's desk when everything went down and was all, "What happened? Someone took your money? From where?"

The coworker said, "My purse."

Melissa said, "Where was your purse?" Melissa knew exactly where her purse was because the coworker had given her money the previous day when she told everybody she didn't have money for lunch. Now she's scared that she's going to lose her job. Honestly, I think she will get fired. Nobody will trust her. It's very sad.

I still haven't found the courage to break the ice with Chris. I hate that I think about him all day. I see his face in my head way too much. I see his face when I go to sleep, when I wake up...UGH, it's killing me.

I'm not ready to give up hope yet. I keep giving myself deadlines then make excuses as to why I never go through with it. I'm just scared. Scared he'll reject me. Scared he'll tell me he's in a relationship...JUST SCARED.

How am I ever going to get anywhere in life always being scared?

It always seems like he's right there.

FML!

I wish I was witty...

I wish I was witty. It could possibly make my blogs interesting. I'm not at all new to blogging. I do it on MySpace constantly, but my life has been so boring lately. I have nothing to share...

But I am welcoming myself to Blogger. I don't even know if people still use it. There are so many other options now. I've abandoned MySpace for Facebook and I can't live without Twitter. It's nice to know what 114 people I don't know anything about are doing every 6 minutes or less. What is even better is that you can update your status on Facebook and Twitter...at the same time! Isn't that amazing? I think it is.

I think I need a nap. Watching the Chiefs/Ravens game and I think I'd rather be taking a nap. Wake me up when it's over.