I need a new scale and some advice as to what I'm doing wrong...

Does anybody have any suggestions? I went to the doctor last week and the nurse who weighed me said I was 175. I think she was incorrect. I swear she pushed the big thingy (lol) on the scale to 150 and the smaller one beneath it to 35. I could be wrong.

Anyway, I purchased some new jeans and dress pants last week. The jeans are a 13 and the dress pants are a 12. I tried on a few pairs of jeans that were size 12 and they weren't the most comfortable fit. So I'm guessing I wear a 12/13? I dunno. It's better than where I was. A 24! Thought it would be nice to wear a 9/10.

I'm trying to get back into my workout routine. I kind of feel like I never should have left Fitness Source. I like the flexibility of going to 24-Hour Fitness because I can go whenever I want, but I miss Fitness Source because it's smaller and I feel a little less self-conscious when I go there. I've been going to both, just paying $10 whenever I want a little peace and less people around me. Besides, there's this guy that works at 24-Hour Fitness that tends to be a little distracting and he makes me feel self-conscious when I'm in there.

Anyway, I have to go apartment shopping now. Let's hope that by Monday the stupid needle on the scale has shifted below 180. I don't want to get discouraged. That is always what happens.

As of today...

Today I officially started my lifestyle change/better eating plan. Actually, I didn't eat all that bad to begin with but my weight loss has stalled.

This is pretty much the way my meals went for the day:

Breakfast - 2/3 c of scrambled Eggbeaters w/ about a cup of chopped red/yellow/green bell pepper, 1/4 c shredded fat free cheddar cheese and 1 c blueberries

Snack - Yogurt

Lunch - salad w/ red/yellow/green bell pepper, 1/2 avocado diced up, cheese crumbles, mushrooms, grilled chicken, ranch dressing, applesauce

Snack - Yogurt and a Granola Thin

Dinner - Soyburger and green beans.

I managed to get a workout in before dinner. I had to eat late because I did a late workout. I usually hate eating after 8 but I had to tonight.

I probably had too much salad dressing on my salad so I'll do better on that tomorrow.

I also decided that I want to be 150 by Christmas. So that's one goal. The ultimate goal is to be 140 by January 25.

I also have made plans to move out in October. I've found a place that is conveniently located just close enough to my mom's house so that I can still be available for Marissa if she needs me. Things are about to change a lot with Brittany going off to college.

I usually hate change but in this case, I think it's time.

I've been inspired!

For the longest time, I used this blog to drone on about some guy.

Enough of that. I need to focus on me! I recently stumbled upon two blogs that have inspired me to take my blog in a new direction. They are Ex Hot Girl and *Bitch Cakes*. So although you ladies don't know me, you have really inspired me.

All of my life I've struggled with my weight. At my heaviest, I weighed about 270 lbs. That was when I was in high school. Needless to say, I didn't date much. My high school was the "uppity" high school. Everybody was pretty and popular, but we were all okay with each other. I had friends. I went to social activities.

It was after I graduated that I realized that my weight was a problem. At that point, I had already had asthma, so that was one weight related disease. I had to do something about it. At the beginning of 2001, I started going to Slim 4 Life and got down to about 204. The one thing they don't tell you when you sign up there is that if you go off the program you'll gain it all back. By the end of 2003, I was back up to 265. I was really disappointed in myself. I believe I started to stress eat. My cousin died in 2003 and that took a major toll on me. Eating my feelings is what they call it. Sometime in 2004, I decided that enough was enough (AGAIN!) and used all the healthy habits that I learned at Slim 4 Life to lose weight again. I believe I got down to about 235 and stuck around there for a while. In 2008, I decided to join a gym. I was determined to get out of the 200s. When I joined the gym, I weighed in at 213 lbs. I found the perfect gym. It was a smaller gym owned by our city that is connected to my parking garage at work. Perfect right? I had to walk past the gym to go home, so why not stop there and exercise for a while? I did that eventually got down to 200. The needle just wouldn't budge, so I had to figure out what I was doing wrong.

I cut out red meat. Stopped drinking DIET SODA altogether. I canceled my membership at my old gym and joined 24 Hour Fitness where I can workout more often.

I now weigh 180 lbs. My goal has been to be about 150 and whatever happens from there happens, as long as the number is getting lower. 140 would be a dream.

Now I need help. My goal is to lose 40 lbs by my 30th birthday which is January 25. I think I can do it before then.

I already know what I need to do, I just need to push through this stupid plateau. Any suggestions to get my weight loss started again?

Life is just passing me by...

Last week my aunt passed away from what started out as uterine cancer. She was 62. Over the years, I haven't been very close to my father's family. As an adult, I do take some blame, but I also blame my dad. There is no reason for my younger sisters to not really know our paternal side. As a father, he should have picked them up and took them over there. That's not my job. I have a lot of childhood memories of my Auntie Willie, but not that many adulthood memories.

Out of this tragedy, I have come to realize that life is too short. I always knew that, but I am now realizing just how short it is. I want to be married. I want kids.

I spent all these years wanting to date Chris Glick when it's possible that I let the right man slip away. It was obsessive and I am quite ashamed of myself over it. I didn't know this man. I built up this fantasy in my head that made me believe he was the one for me. If he had been, we would be together now. I believe in my heart that God has the right man for me. I will wait patiently for him to come into my life. Kids will come when they come. I just need to start living in the moment and stop complaining about what I don't have.

I still like Chris and the process to get over him hasn't been easy. We barely look at each other now which is pretty hard for me, but I know letting go of this infatuation is for the best.

It's almost July...

It's been a while since I've blogged. I've been trying to find myself.

I met a new guy who turned out to be a total bust. I believe I did everything right with this one. He just had a lot of baggage and some female friends who didn't want him interested in anybody else. It was so much easier to let go of that.

In the process of trying to get to know this guy, I managed to block my feelings for Chris Glick or whatever I've had for him over the years. I thought Sed would be someone I would get to know, who I would like to be around, and eventually have a relationship with. I did get to the point where Chris was just another manager at my local grocery store. Then everything with Sed went downhill at the beginning of the month. It seems as though every guy that I've been interested in other than Chris didn't pan out. I've always been interested in knowing Chris and I don't want to end up disappointed when it doesn't work out with him just like all the other guys.

It's probably too late now...

Loving and/or lusting someone from a distance is hard... Can't believe I've been doing it for so long.

I have man troubles

I was better off being stuck on Chris instead of trying to figure out if Sed is really interested or just being nice. He says I don't like him. I do. If I see him tomorrow, my plan is to show him just how much I like him. He's funny, nice, has a body that you just can't help picturing naked. His arms are just....amazing.

Chris won't even look at me anymore. I don't know whether to be relieved or sad.

I think I'm sad. He's the man I want. Always will be. Maybe he's supposed to be. Things wouldn't be so difficult if I would just go for it.

I am going to sleep on it.

Sed or Chris?

So, the heart wants what the heart wants...

Unfortunately, my heart wants Chris. Only Chris.

I hate this...

My corrections officer buddy was sick last week so he was MIA for awhile. Oddly enough, Chris was away as well. I guess he was on vacation. He came back with a nice tan and he kind of has this sexy shadowy thing going on.

I want to hit it so bad.

Just sayin'. Eventually. Of course, I would prefer some kind of relationship with him first.

I tried to get over him. I was kind of surprised when he actually said more than two words to me a few weeks ago, even though it was just something like, "I can check you out down here."

It probably won't happen again.

I was told by a coworker that I am single because I am not approachable. I have a mean look on my face. Basically, she was just confirming what everybody has told me.

Shy girls don't get laid. It's not that I'm shy. I'm just not a big fan of people. It takes some time for me to warm up to people.

I think it's time to really put it out there. It can't be that hard to ask a guy if he wants to...hang out? What do I have to lose? If he rejects me, he was never meant for me.

I don't know what possessed me to wake up early yesterday and today to go workout. 7 am on the weekend. I'm on a mission. I am almost at my goal weight. I'll try to hang out at that weight for a while. If I feel the need to lose more, I'll go for it.

Anyway, I am going to get prepared for my work week. We are supposed to be closed Friday, but the State is trying to keep us open. Jerks. Why wait until the last minute to make a decision like that?

Have a great week!

So I've decided...

I'm going to give this thing with Cedric a try. I am going to try my best not to screw it up. There's just something about him that makes me want to give it a chance. I guess it's because I'm comfortable around him. He's really nice and sweet. You don't meet a lot of men who still open doors for women or make them feel comfortable.

I am finding it difficult to get over Chris which means that I am probably going to have to start shopping at another grocery store. If he was meant to be a part of my life, none of this would be as difficult as it has been. If I could describe how I feel when I see him, it would probably be easier for people to understand. I'm sure people think I'm completely crazy for being infatuated with the same guy for a little over two years. If I was on the outside looking in, I would think it was crazy. Like I said, I know that it's wrong which is why I am doing something about it. Moving on. I don't want whatever could happen with Cedric to get tainted with this Chris thing. I don't want to see it as me using Cedric to get over Chris. I actually want to get to know Cedric. The way I feel when I see Chris is nervous and self-conscious, whereas when I see Cedric, I kind of get happy. He has a weird way of brightening up my day. How can I like Chris when every time I walk away from him I feel like crap? I walk away from Cedric and can't wait to see him again.

I may be attracted to mostly White men, but I may not be meant to marry one and I'm okay with that.

It's time for me to get my shit together.

I'm ready.

Bring it on, life.

I can't figure out just what to do when the cause and cure is you....

F M L!

So I found out that Cedric wants to take me out...

Great... I hope it's true. I'm looking forward to the adventure I'm about to embark on.

Finding the REAL man of my dreams. Future father of my children.

It's a damn shame that when I close my eyes and imagine myself with my husband and kids, Chris is the husband and the father of my children. Pathetic. Seeing him hurts so much... I always feel it deep in my gut. It's crazy nuts. He got a haircut and he just looks so much more appealing to me now that I don't want him to.

Doesn't seem fair. Hmph.

Anyway, my supervisor hired this fairly attractive bloke who is probably going to be the downfall of the office. He is the only man in our office. He smells good. Drowns himself in his cologne. Nicely groomed.

I'd hit it, if I was that kind of girl.

Levi is my other flavor of the week. He works at 24-Hour Fitness and my goodness, he's the only reason I get through my workouts. If I focus on him, I burn a ton of calories until I get self-conscious. He's hot. I'd hit that too. A lot. Again, if I was that kind of girl.

Then there is Benjamin. I met Benjamin yesterday. He's the lead singer of this local R&B group that my cousin works with. So charming. Flirty and chatty. Show-off. He said his name is Benjamin/Gee. Too bad he's so young. No robbing the cradle for me.

So let's see .... over the last two weeks we have met Cedric, the chivalrous corrections officer; Thalen, the lone hot man in the office; Levi, the freakin' hot 24-Hour Fitness employee; and Benjamin, the flirty, too young lead singer...

Wonder what kind of men I'll meet next week...

Of course, the only one with potential is Cedric.

Oh Chris, why won't you fall madly in love with me so I don't have to deal with this crap?

I better go to bed. I planned to hit the gym at 8AM. If I don't go to sleep now, that won't happen.

You made a fool of me... tell me why...

I want to watch Love & Basketball.

My allergies are bothering me tonight.

Anyway, enough with the randomness...

As of a few weeks ago, I officially gave up on Chris Glick. It had gone on for too long.

I realized that sometimes what you want in life, you're not supposed to have.

Charlie said it best in New Moon. "Sometimes you gotta learn to love what's good for you."

Mindlessly obsessing over him was not good for me. It was making me sick and depressed. I still think he's the most handsome man in the world, but just not for me. Whoever ends up with him will be a lucky woman. In the meantime, I'll try to get to know Sed.

Who knows... He could be the love of my life.

I don't wanna love you...

This year hasn't exactly started out the way I expected it to. It is just March. Still have nine months to make the last year of my twenties a good one. I am still working on my 30 Things I've Never Done Before I Turn 30 list.

I am also working hard to move on from my "obsession" with Chris Glick. I am getting out more and meeting new people. For some reason, I've been getting a lot of attention from older men. I would say they are probably 35+. My sister says that the girl who likes Chris keeps telling her things about him and she comes home and tells me. She said she told her they went to Iowa for some kind of work-related trip and that he's normally so quiet, but when they went to Iowa he wouldn't stop talking, he has big feet, he did a recommendation letter or something for the girl and that he had never done one before and how it makes sense because he's only 26.

Blah blah blah...

If they're like a thing or something, I'll be completely disappointed.

I don't want to hear any of it.

I have decided to leave Fitness Source and have joined 24 Hour Fitness. I was paying $40 a month for a smaller gym with less amenities and I couldn't deal with the hours. I get more out of paying $26.99 a month. We'll see how it goes.

Well, off to bed. Back to work hell tomorrow.

I have a horrible sinus infection. My head feels like it is going to explode...

I have avoided being really sick for a couple of years.

I have a sinus infection now and it has whooped my butt. I left work early Tuesday and called in sick Wednesday. I am starting to wish I had called in sick today.

I haven't worked out since Saturday. I hate that. I just hope I can get back into it on Monday.

I know what might help me feel just a little bit better...

I had my fill of him on Monday. While it was nice of him to pop up in every part of the store I was in (what a coincidence!), it was just a little bit weird to see so much of him. I swear I saw him 6-8 times in 10 minutes. Overwhelming? A little bit. I stopped breathing a few times. I don't know why he makes me feel like that, especially after two years. Weird.

Anyway, I am going to attempt to finish the day. It's not looking good for coming in tomorrow. No gym tonight either. Probably just going to do cereal for dinner as well.

Song of the Day

A little Celine Dion... don't judge me.

I Want You To Need Me

I want to be the face you see when you close your eyes
I want to be the touch you need every single night
I want to be your fantasy
And be your reality
And everything between

I want you to need me
Like the air you breathe
I want you to feel me
In everything
I want you to see me
In your every dream
The way that I taste you, feel you, breathe you, need you
I want you to need me
Like I need you

I want to be the eyes that look deep into your soul
I want to be the world to you
I just want it all
I want to be your deepest kiss
The answer to your every wish
I'm all you ever need

Chorus

More than you could know
And I need you
To never never let me go
And I need to be deep inside your heart
I just want to be everywhere you are....

I want to be the face you see when you close your eyes
I want to be the touch you need every single night
I want to be your fantasy
And be your reality
And everything between

Although, I'm not admitting to needing anybody. I guess I am. Whatever.

I won't be repeating the Valentine's Day card debacle from last year. I am actually going to stay away from the store tomorrow. I am helping my cousin cater a dinner tomorrow. I will be making myself busy. I will try my best not to think about that guy tomorrow. I found out that he works out like there's no tomorrow. It is obvious. Those arms... he's so scrumptious.

It's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah...

I've heard so many versions of Leonard Cohen's Hallelujah over the past two years. k.d. Lang sang it tonight at the opening ceremony of the Winter Olympics, Justin Timberlake and Matt Morris sang it on the Hope for Haiti telethon, and Jason Castro performed it on American Idol. Justin and Matt's rendition of the song is my favorite. I love anything Justin sings. I guess that means I'm just biased.

Valentine's Day is Sunday. Another one I will be spending alone. I still can't believe I let people convince me that giving Chris Glick that card last year on Valentine's Day was a good idea. I regret doing that so much. It was cheesy and lame which is probably why I didn't get a response.

The other day, Noah accused me of being rude to him and repeatedly telling him that he was a mistake. I honestly think he was. He did nothing but hurt me over and over. He was so rude. I apologized. Sometimes, he's just so damn dense I can't help but be mean to him. Does that make me a mean person? Oh well...

I want to go to the gym in the morning. I haven't been running as much as I did in the last couple of months. I managed to run 3 miles yesterday. I thought I was going to hurl. I was so tired. I need to get back into it.

Anyway, off to bed. Boring Friday night...

Random thoughts...

1) "Always Be My Baby" is the sweetest Mariah Carey song and video. I absolutely miss 90s Mariah.

2) Paranormal Activity was scary.

3) Inglorious Basterds was hil-freakin'-arious. Violent and gory, but funny.

4) Where is my Butterfly CD? One of the best albums Mariah ever made. I bought it when it came out in like 1997, but it got lost when we moved. So I purchased it again 5 years ago and again can't find it.

5) I miss my cousin Kimberly. She died in a car accident in July of 2003. Probably one of the worst times of my life. She didn't have to die so young. Listening to "One Sweet Day" made me think of her. She made a bad choice and isn't with us anymore. I think I still struggle with it a lot.

6) Wentworth Miller is one hot piece.

7) Don't you hate when you're listening to the radio when you're feeling down and every song that plays just makes you feel worse?

8) It is possible that if I ever saw Chris Glick with some woman (or whatever he's into) in the romantic capacity, I would probably cry. Right there. I have to stop listening to these Mariah Carey songs. They aren't helping.

9) Pat Benatar's We Belong doesn't help either. I love 80s music. Guilty pleasure.

10) Keyshia Cole has changed so much since she first came. Less ghetto. Now she's about to be a mommy.

Alrighty, that's it for now.

I hear your voice inside me. I see your face everywhere...

We belong to the light, we belong to the thunder...

Seriously? This man is killing me. I get hit on by the guys I don't want, but the one I want just doesn't see me.

I am on a mission to prove something is wrong with him so that I can move on. I hate this never-ending heartsickness that's been bothering me for almost three years.

Great. PM Dawn's Set Adrift On Memory Bliss is on. Always makes me sad. That and Die Without You. I remember reading this book about the time that song came out that was so sad. A girl's bf died in a motorcycle accident, but came back as someone else and she didn't like this new person he came back as. Eventually, she fell in love with him again. I think that's what it was about. It was the early 90s, so I could be wrong. Don't judge me.

I feel like I need to throw up. Or cry. Crap. I don't know what to do anymore. I get like this which leads to late-night texting with Noah. I guess I'll try going to sleep. Would help not to see his (Chris's not Noah's) face every time I close my eyes.

Ugh...

And time makes it harder...

When are the feelings going to go away?

I am not at the point to where I love myself enough to share that love with the man that will love me.

But in the process, I could be missing out on that man.

Life is so confusing.

Fear of the unknown...

I've been having a tough couple of weeks. I've been really trying to stay away from Hy-Vee. I now only see Chris on weekends. There is nothing good coming out of going to the store multiple times a week in hopes of seeing him. I understand that he isn't interested and more than likely is unavailable by now. I really hate that I missed out due to my shyness, but obviously, it wasn't meant to be. However, I have recently found myself attracted to a young man who works at the Department of Corrections. Fine young gentleman. Really cute.

It's weird to think about the variety of men one can be attracted to. You would think they would have similar characteristics. Noah was tall (6' 4") and skinny, scrawny almost. Still not sure what I saw in him, ew. Chris is the perfect height, not too tall, not too short and has a little muscle tone. His arms are incredible. His neck, his ass... Whyyyy? All of him is nice to look at. He wears his slacks, white dress shirt, and tie so well. Mmm... it all fits him so well. I sometimes fantasize about taking it all off of him, especially the tie and the pants. I am not a dirty girl, but I've had some thoughts about him that would make even a whore blush. Back office desk angry sex was my favorite. I'm tellin' you, even a whore would blush. Then there was the hip swing striptease... I could go on...

Anyway, Noah and Chris are both White. The other guy is Black. It's been a long time since I've been attracted to a Black guy. I was worried I would be into White men forever until I saw him. I'd hit it. He's a good height, but kind of scrawny. But, like I said, I'd hit it. Hope to see him again soon. Those DOC guys are always at the sheriff's department when I do my runs. We shall see.

Tomorrow is my birthday. I will be 29. Crazy!

Congrats to the New Orleans Saints and Indianapolis Colts! That was my dream Superbowl. Who dat! The Saints will definitely whoop the Colts collective ass! Sucks for the Vikings...maybe next year... Can't wait!

I'm having a hard time dealing with...

I had a tough night. I sat on a jury that convicted a 27-year old man of second degree murder, endangering the welfare of a child in the first degree, and abuse of a child. I work for the Circuit Court of Jackson County in the Dept of Criminal Records. I've read a lot of cases dealing with the same thing over the past 3 1/2 years and I've never been on that side. During voir dire, I really felt confident that I could deal with this case. This man was was accused of murdering a 6 month old baby. His story was that he dropped the baby, tripped over his dog and landed on the baby. His defense claimed that he was forced into confessing that he hit the baby twice by the police. Yesterday, I began to feel like it was involuntary manslaughter. I honestly didn't believe it was his intention to kill the baby. He had to know the consequences of what murdering a baby would be, but we did agree that he endangered the welfare of a child. Unfortunately, if you believed that he endangered the child, you had to find him guilty of second degree murder. Tough choice. I didn't like having someone's fate in my hands. I never want to serve on a criminal trial again.

Jury Duty

Jury duty is depriving me of Chris Glick. I suppose that's a good thing. Quite interesting.

Oh wait... I'm supposed to be done with him. When I go there sometimes I can get through the whole store and not see him until he pops up when I'm at the checkout line. He hangs around and then walks away when we leave. It's strange.

Anyway, back to the jury duty.

I had to make a tough decision...

That decision was to go ahead and let go of my dream of becoming Melanie Glick. I honestly don't think I was ever going to do anything about it, so it was best to just try to shut off those feelings. I hope to be completely free of my feelings of lust for Chris Glick by March. Hopefully... With him being so physically stimulating (in my opinion), it's going to be kind of hard.

Maybe I'll meet someone else who will help me get over him.

Time will tell...